Tychi Systems

An absolutely stunning example of horrible introductory text. See if you can read this entire paragraph without zoning out:

Tychi Systems' mission is to bring world-class biometric technology to the consumer. We are the first company to design biometric products specifically for the home and small business owner starting from a clean drawing board. The products are not adapted from military or government experiments, or from complex corporate systems. Starting with knowledge of the most advanced biometric technology, Tychi Systems analyzed needs of the cost-conscious consumer within the home and business environment and applied the technology in a refreshingly simple and functional manner. Having both the technology access afforded by its location in the Boston area and direct connections to the highest quality manufacturing resources in China, Tychi Systems benefits from an optimal combination of global teamwork.

That's a mouthful. And yet, after so many words expended, we're still no closer to the answer to my question, "What does your company do?" I've read this intro text three times already and I still have no idea. Something with "biometrics."

I like how Tychi assures me their mystery product(s) will be useful to me somehow as a "homeowner who is starting with a clean drawing board." Seriously, did they outsource the writing of this? It sounds like it was written in Chinese and translated using Altavista Babelfish.

What is most galling about this description is the third sentence which explains what Tychi Systems is not - "The products are not adapted from military or government experiments, or from complex corporate systems." That's good to know, thanks. Whenever I describe things to people, I first tell them what it is not. When I describe an elephant, I say, "It's not a parrot, a hippo, or a zebra." It makes it more fun.

Do you remember those times back in junior high school where a kid who obviously didn't do the required reading was called upon to answer a question about it? He said things like "Treasure Island is a book by X. It is X pages long" and other pure filler. Tychi System's text reminded me of those moments.

Here's the translated, improved version:

Tychi Systems manufactures a door lock system that unlocks using a fingerprinting.

That's about 100% more powerful. Don't dilly-dally when explaining your product. People don't have the time.